Improving Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department

From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department

Subject: Incorrect Payroll Checks

Dear Mr. Leoni,

I am writing in regards to reviewing the “errors” in the computer files. Unfortunately, contrary to what you suggested in our meeting; I have noticed that the majority of the errors were made by your clerks. My employees should not be held accountable for the inaccuracies of the computer files.

After reviewing my employee’s paperwork and activities, it is apparent that they are correctly copying the inaccurate time tickets that your clerks are preparing. After examining the time sheets, time tickets, and computer files associated with the 37 incorrect payroll checks; 35 cases have also been discovered.

In the meeting, the suggestion to require my computer operators to perform the extremely time-consuming task of comparing their entries against the time sheets from which your clerks are miscopying was discussed.


However, I sincerely apologize that my employees will be unable to correct the errors made by your clerks. In addition, it will impossible to hire additional help for such work.

Please inform your clerks to review their work carefully before the information is processed by the computer operators. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience caused in this matter.

Cordially,

Donald Pryzblo

Manager, Data Processing Department

               While reading the email, I noticed that there were several negative words.  I feel as if the word “not” should not be used more than two times throughout the entire email. The manager seemed to be angry and should have thought clearly before the email was written. The personnel manager would have reacted negatively from the email written by Pryzblo. Pryzblo, the manager started the email by placing blame. A person who complains will not receive a positive response majority of the time. The manager made it clear as to what his data processing department workers would not be doing.

              Also, I believe that it is very important to get straight to the point of any email, paper, or letter. The writer did a great job by getting to the topic of discussion. However, the writer should have used more positive works to communicate with the personnel manager. Professional and positive emails should not be long and the writer’s email was short and sweet. The writer did not change the subject and talked about errors that were made only. The data manager made it clear of the discovered errors in regards to how many errors and the type of errors.

                As for any professional email, the subject of the email should be in normal letters and not full caps.  Full caps seem as if you are screaming at the recipient of the email. However, I understand that the writer wanted the personnel manager to know that this is an important matter.

                I changed the email to reflect a more positive and professional tone. Most of the negative words were changed to reflect more positive words. The words chosen however were used to help persuade and recommend the personnel manager to take a more detailed look at his clerks work.